Stella Chinyere Nwankwo
(Nee Nwankwo)
I was going to commence my PhD about September, 2017. I had made my calculations, that as soon as my last child got into the last class of senior primary, knowing full well that he would then proceed to the boarding house and that would give me the time I needed. I am very involved in my children’s academic and character building, so I had to wait for him to finish his common entrance and checkpoint exams in 2016.
Stella Chinyere Nwankwo
(Nee Nwankwo)
I was going to commence my PhD about September, 2017. I had made my calculations, that as soon as my last child got into the last class of senior primary, knowing full well that he would then proceed to the boarding house and that would give me the time I needed. I am very involved in my children’s academic and character building, so I had to wait for him to finish his common entrance and checkpoint exams in 2016.
In September, 2016, about 3 days before the last senior primary class, my son had been complaining of a tummy ache and two weeks prior, we had gone to the GP who examined him and said everything was ok, in fact that day he was all ticklish as the GP checked him. Just before school reopened, I asked him again if his tummy was still in pain and he said yes and that’s how my journey began.
On September 2nd, 2016, I took him back to the clinic and was referred to a surgeon and they queried the inflamed appendix. To cut the long story short, they insisted that they needed to take out the appendix because it had the potential to rupture and could lead to death. He went in for a 25 minutes procedure and came out 5 hours later with a ‘drug reaction’ for which he was put which put him in a medical coma. I didn’t realize that the DR had lied to me until 7 days later, his GCS and neurological state was not improving and my child was just there. I am not sure, I can put in words, what happened to me in those first 7 days, like no other in my life. We were medicaved to Johannesburg Trauma Centre- Life4Ways in Sandton. The ambulance met us at the tarmac and that was my first sign of concern.
After over 120 days in the ICU, working with amazing pediatricians, Occupational, Speech and Physical therapists, the amazing Dr called me one morning and said ‘Mum, I am sure, you know what we are dealing with here?’. I said, yes, that he had a drug reaction, and she said sit down. When a Dr tells you to sit down, I am sure you know what that means. She said my son had a traumatic brain injury, however, his liver, kidney and heart have been stabilized and they have done the best they could but for the brain part, we should have to seek help elsewhere. By this time, this child who used to be a songwriter, poet, sprinter, rapper, had lost his speech, paralyzed from neck down and can only feed from a g-tube. I died many times over in a minute. You just step back for a minute and imagine that. My last child and only son.
It is impossible for me to describe the multiple levels of trauma and traumatic stress, I experienced- sleepless nights, fear, fear, fear, confusion, then I felt shame, then I recall the MRI scans and fear again, I searched for the meaning of the terms I saw in his reports, it was like my whole life, dreams came to a full stop. I lost control of my schedule, I couldn’t think beyond the next hour, for many days, I would eat but I couldn’t taste the food, I have never heard of traumatic brain injury, I couldn’t even google the phrase traumatic brain injury, I couldn’t even bring myself to believe that this is new child I have. I didn’t have the luxury to ask God why, I had work in-front of me. I recalled how this child came in the first place, I recalled how I had re-dedicated him to God and his work, I remembered all the people Chinazam had prayed for, all these were happening at an uncontrolled speed.
I wondered what would happen to him if I died. I didn’t want my daughters feeling that they have to carry that burden of care. I heard so many theories- this is a demon from your father’s side, demon from his father’s side, we need to remove some altars and build new ones, have you been paying your tithes, what if God is trying to shake up your prayer life.
Then, one of those days, while I sat in the ICU (they allowed me to sit in the ICU, because he was in a strange environment and to avoid shock and re-traumatization as he regains awareness, I had to sit so he can see a familiar face), my brother-in-law, Mr. R.N, asked me to go the whole sale shop Game, to look for something for him, it took a while for me to leave my child and I decided to walked down to the shop about 20 minutes’ walk. After searching for what he wanted for over an hour or so, I came back without buying anything and he told me he wanted to distract me. Something happened to me, my mind, for a few minutes, I forgot why I was in Johannesburg, as in literally, I was consumed with finding what Mr. RN wanted, because he is such a wonderful person, I needed to find it. That momentary retail therapy as he would subsequently call it, became a Wednesday afternoon ritual for many weeks until we were transferred to the rehabilitation hospital in Netcare in Milpark.
From then on, every Wednesday, I would repeat that walk down to Game, and it became almost like a ritual and a healing therapy. It gave me some time to be myself, re-assess my new situation, ACCEPT that this will be a long journey and thank God that my child is still alive. That I even have a prayer point, that it was not a burial.
A second turning point was the level of kindness and genuine love I received from everyone in the hospital both at the trauma center and rehab. At the trauma center, the therapists went out of their way for my son, they told their families about him, they visited on weekends, they brought their family members. I had a missionary pastor and his wife visited us for 100 days out of the 120 days we stayed in the ICU. This couple was simply told that I was in Johannesburg by my Pastor and they came and stayed with me daily, comforting, encouraging and praying. It is impossible for me to list the names of all the people who helped us, the same happened in Chicago. I experienced so much support and mind you, I have never been to South Africa and Chicago.
Till today, 6 years down the road, I still maintain contact with the ICU Lead in Johannesburg, my care Manager in Shirley Ryan Ability Lab Chicago and the Education Lead at Shirley Ryan, My caregiver and her family in Chicago. How can I forget Cavin Balaster who survived TBI and showed me neuro-protective foods and gave me the first neuro-safe menu for Chinazam. When he asked me to open my fridge, he literally asked me to throw away every sugary food and replace it with whole foods. He introduced me to the power of bone broth and avocado and referred us to a beautiful clinic in Colorado.
These two experiences changed my concept of trauma – from all those feelings, I was experiencing and internalizing to;
Speaking to God like a friend, I told Him exactly my confusion and bewilderment of recent happenings.
Speaking to Chinazam even though he wasn’t responding like I would like to
Reading far and wide
Looking for anybody in the world that had survived TBI, that’s how I met Cavin, Michael Watson, Healing journeys by Andrew Wommack
Educating and researching to help my mental health- studying under Martin Seligman’s Positive Psychology, where I learned about LEARNED HELPLESSNESS and CATASTROPHIZING. Under Yales’ University Well-being Course.
Joining other parent’s support groups on facebook including Real food for tube-fed kids, Proactive steps for cerebral palsy parents’ group, Eden’s miracle, where I got hope, confidence, courage and safety to express how I was feeling, ask questions in a non-threatening environment because, we are speaking the same language. The icing on the cake is the BART foundation.
I then met Dr Sarah McKay, I call her the pedestrian neuroscientist- after I took her course in Brain work for the ordinary person, she broke down a lot of things about the brain. I trained with St Patrick’s Speech and Language School in conjunction with IBCCES. I trained under Prof Akin Merino of Jars institute in California on Integrated Trauma Care program
With all I now knew, I began to feel for other mothers, I stopped focusing on myself, with the help and care and kindness I received from people, I began to dream of helping any caregiver at all- nurses, care givers, mothers of special ability kids, therapists. I didn’t know where to start. There were some limiting considerations but I had to bust some of them, so my heart would not explode. I just wanted to help.
I volunteered to lead a small women connect group at work -Living with Dynamics. I volunteer with the Let Cerebral Palsy Kids Learn Foundation. I support a Cerebral Palsy Center anonymously. I started speaking out about mental health issues in small groups- Rotary club, Resident Doctors Association Rivers state and I now run a free monthly wealth-being webinars. I am now a trained trauma informed professional,helping others, while on my own journey.